This has a lot of parts to it that could be lumbered away, unlike most of the poems you post — I am always surprised, that, despite your regularity, my suggestions never feel as if the very fabric of the thing should be changed: they are always just readjustments. Here, maybe that is different. What I think is at the heart of this poem is a dark little song full of repetitions and with its violent, upheaving ending. At the heart of it is kiss repeated until it becomes so saccharinely cruel. I think you need to cut that song out of the block of words you have here. You might see if you can carve more explicit and frequent rhymes and metre: I think of it as almost "nursery rhyme". But you keep that final part where the kiss turns away from them: in fact, I think you should make that as concretely disposed as possible: maybe even to the point of personifying the kiss.
There's a wonderfully bladed unsettlement here, you just need to dig it out a little more. It certainly isn't a failure as others seem to say.
Hope this helps.
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