[Alexandra Baez]

David, well, it's true that if I removed Ls 5-10, the poem would still cohere pretty well (even sonically, I guess, despite losing the rhyme scheme that I'd described to Andrew). Maybe I'm just too attached, but I like the metaphorical texture and the visceral feeling (I hope) of this description of the process of the leaf slowly getting trapped in the pool--I think it gives a reader more of a sense of the time span involved in the relationship. And Ls 1-4 alone, while they may make a nice self-contained enough mini-poem, just don't say all that I wish to say. Particularly, I think it's important to emphasize the jarring irony that the "leaf" thought it was going to stay forever. Without this element, I think the theme risks being too commonplace.

What in the last eight lines do you think needs work? I'm guessing that in the couplet, you think that the mouth and lips allusions are not as clear as they need to be.

Ralph, I'm thrilled that my few little tweaks have made such a difference for you. I do prefer the word "flotsam," too, but I've already used it two lines down from "matter," and I think that this order sounds better than the reverse. "Debris" would break meter, and I don't like the idea of it or "refuse" because they carry the implication that the n thinks her lover was trash. I'm looking for that perfect "duff"-like nature term. [Update: maybe "clutter"?]