Hi Alexandra.
Quote:
Originally Posted by A. Baez
Particularly, I think it's important to emphasize the jarring irony that the "leaf" thought it was going to stay forever. Without this element, I think the theme risks being too commonplace.
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Funnily enough, I don't get that irony from lines 5-10 anyway, despite rereading it several times. (That could just be me being thick.) That would be an important element, I agree. (I do see it here:'“Forever yours!” you cried inside my pool.')
Quote:
Originally Posted by A. Baez
What in the last eight lines do you think needs work? I'm guessing that in the couplet, you think that the mouth and lips allusions are not as clear as they need to be.
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Yes, that's exactly it. And the twiglets are a slight problem too, for a British reader ...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twiglets ... but that's a purely parochial problem that you needn't trouble yourself about.
Good luck with any amendments you decide to make.
Cheers
David