[Carl Copeland]

Thanks for your clarifications, Alexandra.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

I’d feel rather presumptuous having a hack at it with such a limited tool kit as I carry . . . however, you’ve extended the invitation, so I’ll try sometime and see if I can generate any comments that I could post without cringing too much.

You’re a poet and native speaker of English, and no more tools are needed to evaluate a translation as English verse. You don’t even have to glance at the crib. But do only what you feel comfortable doing. No Spherean should feel expected to comment on anything.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

If you were even to substitute L3’s “all” for “but,” I’d feel much more clued in.

I did have “but” in that position, but it felt too leading—which is what you want, of course, and you may be right.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

That's because it was only thanks to your comments that I felt certain of the “real source of avoidance anxiety.” Your ending on this note did help, but there was still contradictory elements in the beginning to reconcile with that. “Even darker” would be interesting in its own way, but based on your comments, I divined that that’s not what you were after.

Right. If you and others understood it as a distressed, dangerous neighborhood that the N is glad to have escaped, it may still work as a poem, but it’s not what I wanted. Christmas 2023 was one of the darkest in memory for me, so maybe that’s how it happened.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

This was no effort toward complexity on my part, but just my natural reading. I know what you mean about your different, chanting approach to reading, but I think this is a minority approach.

Yeah, I was always told to read poetry naturally and let the meter make itself known (or not) as it will, but I find a strong meter too seductive for that. When I pick up on a beat, I trust it to carry me over spots that could otherwise be ambiguous, like “to blend in” and “LCD.” Irregular verse derails that approach and gets me into all sorts of trouble, but this poem offers no resistance to a chanter, which is why I’m amazed that anyone would get hung up. I can’t ignore it, though.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

Or, you could say something like

And the LCD screens with the fairy lights blink

or go with 1st/3rd foot variations, the likes of which are common and quite acceptable, even refreshing, in anapestic verse:

LCD screens and fairy lights blink

Ok, this is helpful. It tells me that you—and probably others who’ve complained—are determined to stress “screens.” I’m resistant to that (in the anapestic context), but I’ll have to take it into account.

Originally Posted by A. Baez

for me, part of the confusion with this is that you haven’t specified (in the poem) who you pictured the unnamed sofa sitter to be, and I was left floundering around trying to guess--which is understandable, since even you aren't committed on this point. Jim had suggested “his” instead of “your” in L10 …

I’d rather not name the sofa sitter, since, as you say, even I’m not sure who it is. Jim’s suggestion would help sort out whose past is whose, but even that’s a bit too clarifying for me. What would you think about “that snug Christmas past”?