Nice, Alexandra. A few first thoughts:
S1: Ribbon/silkspin could be a slant rhyme, but my tin ear can’t make out any others in S1. Just noting. I love the word “silkspin,” but what is it anyway?
S1L4: “But here, Kamila …” seems odd, following a description of yourself, as if you weren’t “here.” It’s a very minor point, though, and you’re probably thinking of her as being in the room with you.
S1L5: Since we were talking about it elsewhere, this is what I’d call a line with a very trochaic feel, though in context, of course, I’d scan it as headless iambic. It makes the line expressively strong and dynamic.
S1L6: How about “wintery” to avoid a tetrameter line with a final anapest?
S2L6: This line reads like headless anapestic tetrameter. You need something like “opens” in place of unfolds, though you could also drop “Meanwhile” for some wiggle room: maybe “Kamila’s now unfolding like a flower.”
S3L3: You’ve mangled the idiom “cuts a dashing figure,” which I find refreshing.
S3L5: I’d drop the comma before “too.” You wouldn’t put one before “also,” would you?
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