Hi Alexandra,
I like very much the opening line, where you begin the “compare-and-contrast” threads that you weave through the poem. I particularly like “curl” with its link to curling (the winter sport), and the link from a dance move on ice to a painful reflex of the narrator.
I didn’t quite get “normal” in S1L2 but I’m guessing this indicates that the narrator has a chronic problem. The sliding ribbon and the silkspin were lovely similes.
I like the conceit in S2L1 that the relationship between N and Kamila may be mutual.
S2L2. I’m not sure why “gaps” is plural. (Presumably to make a perfect rhyme with “collapse”) And why “deepening” rather than “widening”?
S2 L4” it’s sport against myself” is a little difficult to interpret. What is the “it” and how is it “sport”. King Lear reference? I guess you mean that while Kamila suffers for her art/sport, the N suffers just in surviving.
I think the changes you have made are improvements but I did like the original “skybound screw” S3L1. Watching the video of her performance that seems to me to be an accurate and evocative description of some of her dance gestures.
You might make the final line S3L4, a little bolder. Eg you could lose the question mark.
“She is transcendent. That’s the sharpest pinch.”
We know who Kamila Valieva is but we don’t know quite what the N’s circumstances are. I might like to hear more about him/her, but then again I can see that is tricky within three shortish stanzas and you have done a pretty good job keeping both characters in the frame.
Cheers
Joe
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