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Unread 01-12-2024, 10:36 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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I really, really like this. It's told from the protagonist's perspective of shock, but in a realistically distancing/dissociative way, as if she's just a spectator casting judgment on the breathless accumulation of "and"s in the first two stanzas, but not personally involved until the single "and" in the final stanza, and the disintegration at the end. (Although still just observing even then!)

At first I was going to advise you to regularize the three "What a Holy Show"s, punctuation-wise, but on second thought I really like the progression:

What a Holy Show

to

What a Holy Show,

to

What a Holy Show.


Very minor nits:

I wonder if "Holy Show" needs to be capitalized, but maybe it does to have the proper weight and majesty.

I'm pretty sure "her Dad" doesn't need to be capitalized, since "her mother" didn't.
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