Carl, I think the reason Nemo compared this poem to a metrical exercise is that you make the rhythm too regular. Hypnotic is not what a poem should be. Instead, it should be musical. When writing anapestic verse, you need to throw some pauses and some iambs into the mix so that you don't rock the reader to sleep, too. I notice that you put a few iambs at the start of lines, but you would be surprised at how many iambs you can put into anapestic verse and still have it feel anapestic. The trick is to put the iambs into different locations in successive lines, so that the reader can't predict the pattern. I like the idea of this poem, and much of the language, but the rhythm bores me.
Susan
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