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Unread 02-04-2024, 02:42 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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One word change (or two) and a comma gone makes all the difference!

It now has a bruising, hurtful, ominous feel, having described the violent arrival home of the car that wantonly crushes the irises.

"Strictly" and "except" are a great sonic effect that bookend the first line, and "except" to end the line is like a cliff... Although reading Roger's questioning of the word "except" got me to thinking maybe the word "until" might work...

And I wonder about "no louder". Maybe consider "to no more than a mute yellow stain."

My understanding is that someone (the abuser) has arrived home in the driveway and recklessly — probably in the pouring rain — runs over the yellow iris, smashing them on the blacktop/pavement. The poem ends there because the abuser has entered the house. I could be way off, in which case the poem becomes something of a "Red Wheelbarrow" kind of poem.

I agree with Annie that Home is a better title. Or maybe "House".


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