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Hi Annie, I had a thought that may be a leaden one. What if you rewrote the first stanza to say something radically different? Like this:
I am the sailor, not the ship
not the raging ocean, not
the wind either, while I'm at it.
And then take it from there.
The reason why I suggest such a radical turn from "all" is because I feel like that is what is trying to get out but is muffled by the opening stanza's bold declaration. I think it would help to tone down the heavy-handedness that John mentions.
I wonder, too, about repeating "gasping" so close to each other. (YPOu could just grab the bull by the horns and go for something quasi-onomatopoeic like,
As if gasping gasping gasping were breathing.
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