Thanks for chipping on on this one, Alexandra. It's intermittently metrical, isn't it? I think of it as essentially tetrameter, with the odd trimeter interpolation. I'm glad you think the rhythm is there. I think so too.
I think "encumbrance" is a legal term, so I'm riffing on the (legal) lease idea there, but they are all encumbrances of a kind that I mention there - just not ones that I am passing on to the next lessee (although they may well encounter them too).
There is supposed to be a stanza break after line 8. I just forgot to put it in. Elsewhere, my breaking the fourth wall by referring to the metaphor has been mildly (but not universally) frowned on, so I might lose that line.
I was wondering about finishing on the current penultimate line. Is it strong enough by itself? If not, I quite like your suggestion. "Unenclosed" is also a sort of legal term, harking back to the enclosure of common land in England (the bane of John Clare's life). Scotland - and the Isle of Man - didn't have the same experience, I think.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
Cheers
David
|