I See’s Shaun’s difficulty with S2L9. “Something is wrong within our universe,” which to be read in IP requires the stress on ”something”. You could try splitting the word to “some thing” which has an echo of Yeats’ rough beast with “its hour come at last”. But it doesn’t hurt to trip the reader up every now and then.
I also noticed a repetition of “swell” as the end rhyme in S3 L4 &8. If did want another “ell” rhyme in L8, how about
"and swings to sound a final, fatal knell.” Which sounds suitably biblical.
I also enjoyed the subtlety of the dull-witted Godfearing fatalism.
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