Hi John,
I’m going to join the others in saying that I love the “old armor on top of our hips.” My favorite line, once I processed it, was “the wide-open eyes, with no plans to close.” Such a sense of lightness and forward motion at the end.
The legs feeling light didn’t bother me because I imagined it as the type of tiredness where you’ve been walking for so long that you just try to go up in your head and forget your legs exist. Like you don’t even feel them, that kind of tired. Although my attention did snag on “ten minutes.” I’m guessing it was longer than ten minutes because of the return journey, but some readers may get stuck on that detail and perceive it as short.
I would prefer “neither of us” over “neither one,” as I got confused on who or what the narrator was referring to during the first read. I wasn’t sure how to visualize the “twisting our hips” part.
Thanks for your comment on waiting to revise; I do the same thing and find it helpful to let it simmer.
Gorgeous poem! I’m not much of a met poet either, but I enjoyed the feel of it.
Ella
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