I'm sorry, Jim, but the addition is overwritten to the point of parody, and bears no relation to the original poem. I'm still where I was originally. I liked the concept of the original, but it was too spare. Another stanza - in the same style, but expanding on the first, and using the same hints and whispers, would help. But what you've done is bolt off in a different direction, the two parts don't work together, and the wordy-wordy-wordy addition just doesn't work, period!
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