John, I like the latest revision very much. I think the alliteration of “night has been changed from a hush / to hearing” provides a lovely moment of held breath at the line break. I have no problem with the word “changed”. It is a big word. If we asked someone how something affected them and they said “I feel changed”, this would be a more powerful statement, I feel, than “I feel disturbed”.
I also think your control of line breaks and rhythm in this poem is very good. Often, I associate your non-met poems with the long, unpunctuated prose-poem style (which are great) but this feels like something different, and done very well.
Mark
|