Hi Tony,
You're recounting a banal occurrence here, attempting to elevate it to poetry. That's a great approach! Homer did it. But I don't think it's working. The second line is what I'd call iambic talk. I actually dreaded reading further. And lines three and four are just a bit much.
In all I'm not buying where the experience takes you. The black hole comparison, for example. And the sex at the end registers as gratuitous. It's one of those poems that I read sometimes that make me feel the person that wrote it, as a poet, has taken on an assignment from a daily experience. I don't feel the narrators engagement, otherwise I wouldn't say this.
I'm also concerned the demotion from "assholes" to "jerks" may be rhyme-driven. ~,:^)
Rick
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