[Matt Q]

Hi Jim,

The closing reference to the sea in the revision seems to come from nowhere, and consequently, for me, is unsatisfying. I'd suggest either setting it up with some more sea- or sailing-related imagery earlier in the poem, or just dropping it.

Maybe it's fine in American English, but I'd expect "clearly" not "clear". The latter sounds odd to me.

"tripped over" in the revision seems more prosaic, closer to a stock phrase, and to present less of a clear image, than more specific "my lips faltered"

In first version, the specificity of mentioning the third verse works better for me than the more general case in the revision, and it also works well with "keep going".

So, I'd look again at the original, but with a focus on tightening up the close, including its grammar. For example, it seems to me that the penultimate line might work better as:

but only felt the quiver in them
and how articulately it spoke
for the inarticulacy of the heart.

As others have said, "articulately"/"inarticulacy" is maybe a bit of a mouthful. That said, I don't know how much of a problem that is. I really like what the close is saying, and it's hard to see what synonyms you could use to show the reversal/opposition in the way that "articulately"/"inarticulacy" do without muddying the distinction being made (though I'm not saying you shouldn't keep looking!). Plus for me the near-repetition seems to work/sound a lot better with the penultimate line simplified as above.

best,

Matt