Hi Carl,
Just a couple of quick thoughts on the revision.
"the Eden rose that, ere it blow, is going"
Should that be "blows"? I can't get "it blow" to work grammatically.
"They desecrate my chamber. To the wind
go petals, faces, words—a poem going."
I wonder if "go" gives you too much go-ing in the second line. It might be worth playing with a different verb. "Now the wind / steals petals" (or "takes" or "lifts") maybe? Or "And the wind ...". Stealing seems to fit with (or add to) the desecrating.
"All into Lethe’s numbing flow is going."
A little unwieldy in its inversion seems this line.
best,
Matt
|