Thanks to both Alexes for the Multi-Quote Manual. It may come in handy.
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Originally Posted by A. Baez
… you’ve made it look easy, although perhaps it wasn’t. (Was it, or did it all come together quite naturally?)
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Turning the poem into a true ghazal was easier than I thought only to the extent that I thought it would be impossible. It wasn’t easy, but verse never is for me. I was stunned to learn that a beautiful formal poem posted over a year ago was written in a single sitting!
Quote:
Originally Posted by A. Baez
I do like the repetition of “go,” “going” in S3 and feel it delivers the desired emphatic effect. (I tried simply subbing “fly” in for “go” … and while this variation might feel more proper, it seems less potent to me.)
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I also tried subbing “fly,” but “go” somehow helps to justify “going” at the end of the line. That’s something about the ghazal form that continues to vex me: the need for each use of the
radif to feel natural in its couplet as well as a little different from the others. The variation may not be a requirement, but ending each line with “It’s going” wouldn’t have been very interesting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by A. Baez
I was wondering why in S5 you say “here below.” Is Pandora above now?
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No, the direction is relative to heaven, not Pandora. “Laying up treasures in heaven” is the one allusion that didn’t seem to come across.
Quote:
Originally Posted by A. Baez
The only new potential improvement I can see is “cared for so.” Amid all its monosyllabic neighbors, plus being an inversion, it sounds a bit clunky. How about a bisyllabic verb like “nurtured” instead?
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“Nurtured” was the stand-in I had waiting in the wings. I’m persuaded. Thanks.