Thanks for the epigraph, Jim. I can’t say whether the poem needs it or not, but it’s so right. In fact, that’s what I usually find myself doing in a poem—trying to remember and convey a vivid feeling from the past.
A few random thoughts about the revision, which I do prefer to the original:
In S1L1 and S1L3, how about “hadn’t” for less formality?
Normally, I’d want the more grammatical “as” in S1L4, but “like” is colloquial, and if that’s how you’d say it, I’m cool.
In S2, I’d drop “had” for greater immediacy. The perfect is a further remove into the past. You need a comma after “self-conscious,” btw.
In S3, “pushed me forward” sounds too physical to me. I was going to suggest “urged me on,” but actually you’re telling us what she’s going to say before she says it. That might need rethinking.
Finally, I would have understood “eclipsed” as “obscured” or “overshadowed,” and that clashes oddly with the last line.
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