Hi, Glenn. A few more thoughts:
The second line of the quatrain now requires a less-than-obvious stress on “nor” for tetrameter. That may or may not concern you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn Wright
I decided to keep “ice-blue” lips because голубой specifies a light-blue color and to emphasize the cold. Am I beating the reader over the head with it?
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Not at all. I just like “blue lips,” but Julie has more voting shares than I do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Julie Steiner
I think you need to convey the element of celebrity spotting, even if the poet didn't go out of her way to do so, in order for the whispering woman's question to make sense. (I'm reading "who, of course, had never before in her life heard my name" as tongue-in-cheek, describing a society in which people recognized the danger of being thought to have any ties to someone clearly in hot water with the authorities.)
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I didn’t get the “tongue-in-cheek” and “eye roll” that both of you felt, but it does seem likely, now that you mention it. I still think “never before in her life” is overkill. Maybe drop “before.”
“Celebrity spotting” is part of it, but “опознал” has criminal connotations. It’s the word you’d use when identifying a body or picking someone out of a lineup (though I doubt they bothered with lineups). If “singled out” stays, I don’t think it’s unusual enough to justify scare quotes.
“Оцепенение” does imply muteness, but sound is covered by the whispering. The word more directly means inability to move—and, by extension, I suppose, to think. Thomas uses “trance,” but “stupor,” “torpor,” “numbness,” etc., would also work.
I still think you need different punctuation (closer to the original) for the direct question:
asked with a whisper in my ear
(everyone there spoke in a whisper):
“Can you describe this?”