Bravo! Not only is the contrast that Ovid's content was drawing between the original's dactylic hexameter and the 2.5 + 2.5 lines preserved, the use of rhyme really conveys the lighter feel of the latter—and are just a lot of fun, starting with "ago/ apropos" (correct spelling). The horizontal spacing at the caesura, à la Anglo-Saxon, also works well, in my opinion, to make an obvious visual difference between the lines.
(By the way, if you use the tags [ L ][ /L ] to add horizontal spaces, rather than using white xxxxx, you can avoid having all those xxxxx's become visible again when quoted or downloaded.)
Nits:
The meter of L1 is a bit hard to find, in part because "arms" sets off such a a tingle of recognition from the first line of Virgil's Aeneid that I have difficulty demoting it:
READ-y to PRAISE ARMS and VI-o-lent WARS in the GRAV-est of ME-ters,
I'm not sure this would be better, but:
PRIMED to PRAISE WEA-pons and VI-o-lent WARS in the GRAV-est of ME-ters,
The Venus line doesn't seem to have an active verb in it. The meter is also hard to find in the "if blonde Minerva" line that follows it. I have trouble not promoting "blonde," which draws attention to itself because Minerva had been "fair-haired" a nanosecond before, at the end of the previous line. I would suggest something like:
Picture if Venus had taken the weapons of fair-haired Minerva.
What if Minerva should scorch wedding guests, using a torch?
In this bit:
Nor are my subjects appropriate for the less serious meters,
better a boy or a girl, beautiful tresses in curls.”
I take the original to mean that Ovid does not have a lover at the moment, so that's why he lacks subject matter for "less serious meters." I don't think "better" adequately conveys that. Perhaps "lacking" instead? I also wonder if you could arrange to get rid of the "s" in "girl/curls."
Sorry for all this pickiness. I'm really very excited about the revision!
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