Hi Susan,
As a general reader, I wouldn't go past the first line. As a member of our community, I dutifully read on.
The poem benefits from the irony of being written in the style that the narrator denounces in Williamsesque fashion (though Williams could have benefited from some of your humor).
Granted, it's clever. But the ending is a bit of a buh-dum-dum plotz indicating that you're ambition is for polite laughter from your select audience (people who are interested in the details of formal poetry and tend to be defensive about the whole thing).
I agree with Roger. You set up something that would work better with twins in line two. But that would blow the rhyme! On the other hand, couplets/octuplets is a really bad rhyme. Is that supposed to be a joke? ~,:^)
My main critique is that this is way too far into a comfortable corner, the definition of which, in that first line, turns me out.
Rick
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