Simon, on a first read, I found this a bit puzzling. "Homely roads" was a stretch to make sense of. In L7-8, would you consider making it present tense? "The more we give, the more we sacrifice alone" would then be a general statement about the way things work, not suggesting that there was a lot of giving in the past. But maybe you did want to suggest that there was a lot of giving, as well as a lot of failure to give. Though I get your reason for using slant rhymes, "ungiven" and "bidding" clanked for me. What would you think of something like "my gratitude for all you were not giving," and "at one another’s unintended bidding"?
Susan
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