Hi John,
I like this one at lot. I really enjoy the inventiveness of the description, and how it's slightly over-the-top in the best way. It sweeps me up and carries me along.
I see where Cameron's coming from on the first sentence. There's something a little odd about the join between the first and second. The switch from passive-voiced fragment to the imperative second sentence. It occurs to me, though, that rather than changing the first sentence to the imperative that you could change the full stop after "lusting gods" to a comma, and the resulting longer first sentence is then in the imperative (and a complete sentence). It seems like that's what intended meaningwise anyway. I read it as "(while) sailing away ... stare at the approaching waves".
In the mind of Time, sailing away from the land, away from the rocks and cliffs and live oaks bursting through the Spanish moss, the wind driving us on to the lusting gods, stare at the approaching waves with no regret or teeming anguish, no looking back, turn to the bow, sail away from the retreating land, soon to disembark full of pride.
I think like this it has more momentum, more drive (not sure I'm finding the right words). I like it more as one long sentence anyway.
best,
Matt
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