Quote:
Originally Posted by Julie Steiner
Beautiful, mignon.
My two nits, take them or leave them:
Usually a still life is a single moment in time (although Cézanne apparently painted his so damn slowly that the onions sprouted before he finished). "I'm in my daughter's house" encourages the reader (or at least this reader) to inhabit a particular moment with the narrator.
So when I get to "My grandson plays / my father’s baby grand and old guitar", I think, "At the same time? Huh?" Switching from a snapshot of a single moment to a more continuous sense of the grandson's habitual activities is less effective for me. Personally, I'd rather gaze around the room while listening to the grandson actually playing one or the other of these instruments. Not both, in theory, but one, literally.
I also don't see any advantage to making the following a single sentence. Why not start a new sentence at "A treat to see"? |
Dear Julie,
It makes me happy to know you like my poem. To see "Beautiful" from you is my special "moment in time." And, of course, I love the onions! I could also picture you sitting in the living room looking around. It's a bit crowded for my taste, but it's because it is a truly lived-in home. At times, it even becomes a photography studio!
I did the best I could with your suggestions and hope it worked.
Thank you~
~mignon