Glad to see you here once more!
I'll need more time to digest the substance of the poem, but for now I have a comment about the meter. Every line is standard iambic pentameter, with two exceptions. One of those exceptions is L1, since the reader isn't in the swing of things and doesn't know to promote "and." I think the line would do better if you moved it to the end of the stanza. Make it L4. I think that would keep the beat going, and I think the line also works better there for non-metrical reasons.
The other line that stopped me a bit is S2L1. I'm not sure how you intended it to be read, but I can't think of a plausible reading that yields IP. Perhaps we pronounce some words differently?
Overall, this looks and sounds very impressive, but I'll have to let it sink in for a while before I may have more to say. Welcome again!
PS a few hours later: I now see how to scan/say S2L1 properly, though it took me a while.
Last edited by Roger Slater; 05-27-2024 at 07:11 PM.
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