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Unread 05-29-2024, 03:56 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
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Hi again, Siham.

I think dropping the comma from the first line maybe helps with the metrical issue others some had, since the reader is now less likely to hear a caesura, which is what would get in the way of a naturally promoted "and".

Rereading, I now see that S3 follows on from S2, and that "so" has a logical function -- it's "so that". I had read it as more of a non-sequitor: "So, television news is now a ghost". Now I read television becomes a ghost as a consequence of the universe as a waveform passing through. On type of wave occluding another. And the fading (of news TV) is like a WC's farewell. The stanza seems to fit into the poem better, for me, read that way.

Somehow -- maybe in part because of war currently being all over the news (TV and radio) -- I have the sense of war being in the background of the poem, a shadow perhaps, and so your choice of "drones" seem to add to that. Along with the awful drumming (suggesting war drums), Walter Cronkite's association with war reporting, and the word "wars". Maybe it's just me, but intended or not, I think it adds something to the poem.

I like the new last line, and the double meaning of "sound", which fits in with the other water/wave imagery in the poem. I do miss "finally" from the penultimate line, though. The revised version maybe has as stronger image, but I lose the sense of time and waiting that the original had, which for me had more of an emotional impact.

best,

Matt
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