Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Q
I prefer the original S1. With regard to line order, the original L1 makes for a very strong opening line, I think. It grabs my attention. It's new position at the end of the stanza doesn't work so well for me; it seems more of an afterthought.
I also didn't have an issue with the original L1. Your new version of it seems clunky to me, less naturally phrased, though yes, it yields a very regular IP.
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Pace Matt, would you consider taking only half his advice about the original L1? I think he’s right about leaving it in that position, but I so miss the revised “I know you dying, know you too alive.” A smooth opening line draws you into a metrical poem. It may be less naturally phrased, but hardly clunky, and isn’t that one of the things poetry does so well: “a tune beyond us, yet ourselves”? True, I’m not the connoisseur of irregularity that most of you are, but “too” also added a dimension of meaning: “too alive” is when the heart throbs with love, excitement, fear.