Well done, Glenn. The compression of your new version seems more in keeping with the original. A few more thoughts:
S1L2: How are you scanning this line? I get three stresses. A line or two of trimeter or pentameter in a tet poem wouldn’t necessarily bother me, but I wondered what you had in mind.
S1L3: I can squeeze four stresses out of this line by promoting “for” and ending the line with a trochaic substitution, but three seems a lot more natural to me. And how do you understand the line? In your first version, Lorca had some obsessive idea that was giving him pain. Now it sounds like he’s longing for an inkling of something.
S1L4: Wouldn’t “this anguished sky and world and hour” be more accurate?
S2L2: You could undo the inversion for a more natural “unplucked lyre.” “Profane” seems rather cerebral for this passionate poem. How about “the torch of lust”? Maybe you could rhyme it somehow with “crush.”
S2L4: “Taints my sentiment” pales beside “dwells in my breast.”
S3L3: Headless line? That’s problematic when the initial syllable isn’t naturally stressed. This one’s going to be read as anapest-anapest-spondee.
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