I'm so grateful to you all for giving this your attention. I have been craving honest and informed feedback for a while, and I'm so very happy to have found it at last!
Yves, Carl, Glenn, Mark and Jane--Thank you all for pointing out the archaic language. Believe it or not, I didn't actually notice! I read a lot of older poetry, and some of these usages seemed quite fine to me, but now that you point it out, I see that it doesn't fit a contemporary idiom.
Carl--I have tried to address all your critiques in this rewrite. I was aware of the metric difficulties in lines S1L4 and S3L3. I have tried to fix the first by adding a syllable--did it work? S3L3 is a bit more purposeful--I intend it to slow you down and make you pause on each word. It's the real pivot of the poem (and hence also the title).
Mark--Your extensive comments made me really thoughtful. Quite right about not even needing those "stout friends' at all. I have deleted them! Also, thank you for liking the last line's bluntness. The original version of this switched to iambic tetrameter (to hurry the pace) from line 9, but later rewrites went back to pentameter throughout. I have added the extra foot to the end in this rewrite--as per Glenn's suggestion--but I really like the tetrameter surprise in the last line as well. I may bring it back.
As to this poem's origins and intent, if any are interested. This poem has been my misborn child for about four years. It was the first thing I wrote after I powered down my laptop, turned in my keycard, and quit my profession mid-Covid. I had had it, and, well, the muse was actually calling! Some 25 years ago, back when I was an English major, I had wanted to spend my days writing and reading. Then I realized that was a sucker's bet. I got an MBA and the race was on. It was high-time for me to get back to this, and I'm actually grateful that Covid drove me over the edge. The muse and I are friends again. But this poem just will not land. Hoping I'm getting closer now.
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