Hi Siham,
Your revisions have really improved the poem. When I first read it, I thought... hmmm, I wonder what giving this a rhyme scheme might do. I'm no longer thinking that at all.
Two gnitty suggestions. Change "Vast orchestras" to "The orchestra". As in: the one orchestra. Vast orchestras--well they are all pretty big. Even with the plural choirs, a single engine or universe in the orchestra makes sense and grounds the imagery.
And, the "So" starting the intriguing S3 would be better as "The". It's a curve ball stanza, and "So" is hitting it too hare, I think.
My only other problem is that you posted it in ~~The Deep End~~
Defund the ~~The Deep End~~ ~,:^)
I can feel the experimental chances you too on this one, and they paid off. It's very good.
Rick
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