[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

I like the switching of "grey" from landscape to ocean, a clever solution that keeps the image, and I'd say even improves it. It's still clear that the landscape is grey.

Very happy my thoughts were helpful. In which case, I'm encouraged to double down on them a bit. I notice that your second stanza is still made of fully formed sentences, whereas Lorca's continues the fragments of the previous S. So, my suggestion would be that since you can follow Lorca on this, you should.

Here's your second stanza as fragments, with none of your word choices changed, just the occasional "that" added.

These tears of blood that obscenely paint
the unplucked lyre, the torch profane.
This crush of waves that inflicts such pain.
My heart that's filled with scorpian's taint.

It's all still loose iambic tetrameter, though you have the option of tightening that in places if you like.

In relation to this, I'll throw out a suggestion for L4. Because the scorpion has made its home in the N's heart, you could use "hosts", which also adds alliteration, and is a little less expected than "fills", since we often say hearts are "full" of something. So:

My heart that hosts the scorpion’s taint.
(or "a scorpian's")

L1: Should you wish, you now have the option of replacing "obscenely" with a two-syllable word. "darkly", "crudely", "quickly"? ("splatter-paints" would accurate, given that these are tears dropping, but too comical I think!). Trouble here is you're having to invent an adjective, as you do with "obscenely", because "paint" already fully covers "decorate". I wonder if there's a way to keep "decorate"? For example:

My heart that hosts a scorpion’s hate.
(or "that's filled with a scorpian's hate)

Though that maybe overlays the image with interpretation, or:

My heart that holds [bears] a scorpian's weight

Though maybe that's a little off, sense-wise.

Any just throwing out some thoughts. I also looked for rhymes with "nest" and "lair", but can find anything that would work as a subsitute for "decorate".

I hope to get to that sestet eventually!

best,

Matt