Hi, Glenn. I can’t get this translation out of my head. The one thing that still bugs me is “hate”—too specific for a scorpion that could represent so many emotions. How about something like this?
These tears of blood embellishing
the unplucked lyre, the torch impure.
This crush of waves I must endure.
This scorpion in my breast—its sting.
“Sting” extends the metaphor without adding anything consequential, and it allows you to recover the parallelism of “This scorpion.”
Best I could come up with.
Last edited by Carl Copeland; 06-06-2024 at 09:18 AM.
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