Hi Alexandra,
I really like the energy of this, along with the language and sounds. Among other things, I love the graphic "I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew" and the "hem of wrong".
I don't know that you need the epigraph. Of course, as poetry forum critic, I'm contractually obliged to say this. But still, I think maybe it gives a little too much away. Let's us know what we're in for: that that moon is going to affect what's below, rather than finding that out in the course of the poem.
It tightens like a screw
on me tonight.
"on me tonight", as a line on its own feels somewhat weak, especially given the language/energy of the rest of the poem. Also, not that necessary. Do you need "on me"? Lose it, and from "I bulge, I leak", I'll know what it tightens on. And "tonight", well we know it's happening now because it's present tense. And night is already clear from the title, and will be made clearer from follows. Anyway, to be clear, I'm not objecting to the breaking in two of the pentameter line, which I like, just that those last two feet might be improved.
an urgent strangeness through the trackless sky.
"trackless sky" is something of a poetry cliché. And I don't see "trackless" particularly playing off anything else in terms of its sense. Maybe I'm missing something. If not, I reckon you could do better.
Normal inner rhythms slip askew
"Normal" seems a little clunky here anyway -- or maybe a bit bland? And kind of unnecessary. If the rhythms slip askew, they're no longer normal, I'd say, "Inner rhythms slip askew" would cover what this line says. So maybe there's another modifier, or an alternative to doubly-modifying "inner" -- "inner rhythms [verb] and slip astray" ? Or, more radically, you could just cut "normal"? Slipping down to tet is, well, a disruption of the normal rhythm, and you'd get score double points for cleverness
Cartwheeling nebulae! A mad dog howls
I know you're fond of exclamations, but to me this one seemed a little odd here by itself. To me, it doesn't seem to fit the phrase-level rhythm and structure of the rest of the language. Again, might just be me.
abroad. The searing Perseids get swallowed.
OK, I'm a little unfond of "get", not sure I can say why -- maybe because it's a very generic verb, or maybe it's the passive construction among so much activity. Still, get swallowed by what? The dog? The nebulae? The moon? It's hard to form an image without knowing this part. Since the end-word isn't a rhyme-word, maybe there's a different verb? (maybe one that doesn't need "get").
on tabletops. Here’s trouble, there’s a clue;
the black has birthed a cool, pervasive light—
and now the hem of wrong looks halfway right.
I don't really understand the semicolon. What's it's syntactic function here? A colon I could understand: that what follows is the trouble and the clue. Or a full stop. Or a comma.
best,
Matt