Warning: Catullus is best known for his emotional poems to Lesbia. He also wrote some of the filthiest poems in the Latin canon, usually directed at his personal and political enemies. This one is pretty mild, but is a bit vulgar.
Poem 39
by Gaius Valerius Catullus
Egnatius, whose teeth are snowy white and gleaming,
grins wherever he goes. At the prisoner in court,
when the speaker from the bench provokes our weeping,
he grins and spoils the lawyer’s smooth rapport.
If a grieving mother, sobbing at the pyre
of her dutiful only son pours out her grief,
he grins. Whatever the time and place require,
he grins. It almost seems beyond belief.
He has this illness, neither polite, I gather,
nor elegant. Egnatius, be on guard!
If you were a suave Sabine or from Tibur,
spare Umbrian or Tuscan stuffed with lard,
Lanuvian—a dark-skinned, toothy creature—
or from Cisalpine Gaul, home of my tribe,
or whoever you choose that clean their teeth with water,
nevertheless I never would prescribe
grinning, for nothing’s ruder than rude laughter.
Now you’re a Spaniard: in the Spanish land
when people take a leak in early morning,
they save the urine as their customs demand,
then scrub their teeth and gums with it. I’m warning
you, the more polished that smile of yours may be
the more it says that you’ve been drinking pee.
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Edits:
L1: Egnatius, whose teeth are snowy white and gleaming > Egnatius, whose teeth are snowy white and gleaming,
L7: he grins. whatever the time or place require, > he grins. Whatever the time and place require,
L9: He has this illness, not polite, I gather, > He has this illness, neither polite, I gather,
L22: you, the more that smile of yours shows polish, > you, the more polished that shiny smile of yours is, > you, the more polished that smile of yours may be,
L23: the more you tell that you’ve drunk your own piss. > the more it says that you’ve been drinking piss.> the more it says that you’ve been drinking pee.
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Original:
Carmen XXXIX
G. Valeri Catulli
Egnatius, quod candidos habet dentes,
renidet usque quaque, si ad rei ventum est
subsellium, cum orator excitat fletum,
renidet ille. si ad pii rogum fili
lugetur, orba cum flet unicum mater,
renidet ille, quidquid est, ubicumque est,
quodcumque agit, renidet. hunc habet morbum
neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.
quare monendum est te mihi, bone Egnati.
si urbanus esses aut Sabinus aut Tiburs
aut parcus Umber aut obesus Etruscus
aut Lanuvinus ater atque dentatus
aut Transpadanus, ut meos quoque attingam,
aut qui libet qui puriter lavit dentes,
tamen renidere usque quaque te nollem;
nam risu inepto res ineptior nulla est.
nunc Celtiber es: Celtiberia in terra,
quod quisque minxit, hoc sibi solet mane
dentem atque russam defricare gingivam
ut quo iste vester expolitior dens est,
hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti.
Source: Pegasus Project, Tufts U.
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Crib:
Egnatius, who has white/gleaming teeth
grins continually everywhere. If the defendant has come to court,
on the bench, when a speaker provokes weeping,
he grins. If at the funeral pyre of a dutiful son
being mourned, when the grieving mother weeps for her only son,
he grins. Whatever it is, wherever he is,
whatever happens, he grins. He has a sickness
neither refined, as I judge, nor polite.
Therefore you must be warned by me, good Egnatius.
Whether you were a city-dweller or a Sabine or from Tibur,
or a stingy/spare Umbrian or a fat Etruscan,
or a dark-skinned, toothy Lanuvian
or from Cisalpine Gaul, as I will touch on my own people,
or whoever you choose who wash their teeth hygienically,
nevertheless I do not wish you to grin continually everywhere;
for nothing is more unrefined than unrefined laughter.
Now you are a Celtiberian, and in the Celtiberian land,
The custom is that someone who urinated in the morning
scrubs his tooth and red gums with it
so that the more polished that tooth of yours is
the more it announces that you have drunk of urine.