Ralph, I like the vigorous feel of this. It’s a wild metaphor you’ve concocted: instead of the phoenix immolating just itself, it takes down (and then up) the n with it! But I wouldn’t have gotten your intended meaning if I hadn’t read the comments. It’s just that odd.
Grammatically speaking, there should be a semicolon or period at the end of the first stanza. That comma there got me confused.
I’d love for the last line to really embody the dramatic shift of what it speaks—a complete release and rejuvenation. Even something like “Let our breaths once more take flight” would have a lighter, more refreshed sound, I feel, than your current line, which gets kind of tangled up in itself.
Well, thank goodness you have the phoenix’s power of rejuvenation, Ralph. I’m very sorry you had to go through this scary experience.
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