Glenn, Roger, and Carl-- Thank you all so much for pointing out my meter problems and supplying ideas to fix them. I've retooled the first four lines completely to try and move toward a more rhythmic sound. I've made Katie a "rascal" which I think implies her youth and fixes the meter. And I've removed the questionable poetic inversion, though now I have a passive voice that may also offend. Does it work better now?
Carl--I'm surprised to learn that the term "dandelion clock" may not be universally known! Meanwhile, you've taught me another new term today--the "wrenched rhyme".
Glenn--nature's tongue is yellow because the blowing of the clock will produce a vast carpet of yellow dandelion flowers--the bane of all the local gardeners hereabouts.
Yves--I had actually hoped that the frivolous content of this sonnet would strike a contrast with the loftiness of the sonnet form producing another layer of light humor. It's alright that it doesn't work for you--I have more! Meanwhile, I do take to heart that I should immerse myself in some more modern poetry if I want my work to sound fresh to modern ears. I appreciate your feedback.
|