My question, slight hang-up, although it may shouldn’t be, is I’m not sure what the poem is having fun with. I know that may be a strength but I wonder. (First, why “Come breath” and not “Come breathe”?) Is it an early Blake with some exuberance and that light touch of mortality at the end? Or is it unabashed 21st-century Wordsworth with no cynicism intended? I like the music.
Syntax is more rhythm than rhyme. You learn that fast when you don’t have a received form for support. I would consider using a couple of commas at line endings instead of periods. The end of L3 for example, and lose the dash on L7. I’m not totally convinced by the dashes in this one. Removing the em dash at the end of S2L1 and replacing it with a comma would give the sentence a loop that I think is needed, or at least preferred.
Do you have to set “Katie” inside commas? Radical me may go with
Now down the street that rascal Katie goes
And plucks the clock . . .
I think that may be criminal to you but a fun poem like this needs a bit more flow IMO.
I like the bounce and the sly bite.
My half-penny.
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