Rick, it’s hard to say how someone unfamiliar with the poem would respond now, but you’ve definitely highlighted the prejudice more and eliminated a confusing pointer. Marked for life is helpful. If you do want this to be a poem of devotion to this person, and that more than a secret reality to the writer, you may want to include a stanza that fleshes the character out.
Carl, I agree that Kroger wouldn’t help, though I was assuming Jack’s was a hang-out and pomegranates a euphemism. I was more trying to point out some of the reasons why we’d never get the intent as is. We’d need rooting in his actual character to come up with the possibility of reading it otherwise.
Rick, I agree with Carl that I admire how you’ve made the sapphic hip and vibrant. It feels more cohesive now.
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