Clearly Glenn's and Paula's enthusiasm demonstrates that there is an audience for this sort of thing, but it just makes me think, "Gadzooks."
Nay, verily, 'tis not just the archaism, but the misogyny against the sexy, nefarious woman that doth make this trope not my demitasse of tisane. (This sort of thing reminds me of the poetry that a middle-aged stalker used to write for me when I was eighteen, accusing me of cruelty for not appreciating his tediously obsessive appreciation of my physical charms. Ugh. I must admit that after several weeks of having to put up with his wounded poetry slipped under my door every few days, the thought of his dropping dead did, indeed, start to have some appeal.)
If you're using archaism, you should comply with the old rules of restrictive clauses (introduced with "that") and nonrestrictive clauses (introduced with "which"). No comma should be used to set off a restrictive clause from the rest of the sentence, so you should delete the commas before the "that"s in Line 10 and Line 12. See
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_w..._vs_which.html