[Mark McDonnell]

Hi Carl,

I'm very pleased it enchanted you. I fixed the spellings/comma/title. Thanks for your eagle eyes there. And I think you might be right about S1L2. I hadn't noticed it because, of course, I've been hearing it the way I wanted to. But yes, so early in the poem it could create a stumble before the metre is established. Anyway, I've tried an alternative to that line. See what people think.


Hi David,

Thanks for the crit, and nice to meet you. I can see that the poem risks not giving the reader much to go on and different readers will have their own tolerance for that. The vagueness, in a sense, is the point, that the details of the memory/narrative are less important than their lasting presence in the mind. Would you really want me to answer all the questions you pose, either here or in the poem? I will reveal that the speaker, and the poet, had indeed never seen an avacado stone before.

I think I'm OK with the metre on the "dry" and "pale" lines. I scan the first

She gave me a dry avocado stone.

As for "pale dregs", well even if "pale" is slightly stressed, "dregs" will be stressed more, so it still comes out as trimeter to me.


Hi Jim,

I'm glad you hadn't heard of the mitten thing. I was slightly worried that the image might be so well-known over there that US readers would just groan at the opening line. And even though Carl says it's a local cliche, clearly it's not completely ubiquitous. Yes, it was the sonics that drew me to the opening line. The events and people in the poem are a composite, which seems appropriate.

Thanks for your enthusiasm for this.


Thanks Susan,

Those commas you mention seem fine to me. But that's not to say you're wrong. Perhaps you're right about S3L3. I'm thinking. Thank you for "gorgeous"!

Hi Glenn,

Yes, it is more about "memory" than the specific memory. I wish it were better (the poem and my memory ha). I may well come back to it, to try to do it more justice.

(I know you haven't suggested improvements, I'm just thinking aloud).

Cheers all! One line changed.


Edit:

Thanks James,

I missed your crit when I was writing my response.

I'm glad the opening works for you despite it's familiarity. Thanks for the very kind words. It's great to see you here BTW.

I'll think about the "tobacco-stained" line. I know what you mean. That line feels like it's in the past but in the poem's logic should be in the present. And no, I haven't smoked in 10 years.