Cameron--
On Form:
Is this intended to be a ghazal? Or just ghazal adjacent? The ghazals that I've been reading were a bit more strict about the rhyme (qafiya) going straight into the radif. But you've broken the two apart throughout with "to" "of" "them by our" and other breaks. If that's right, then I appreciate your teaching me that this degree of variation is still correct for the form.
Also, you start with hexameter in both lines of the first couplet, but then all of the couplets after that have pentameter in the second line by my count. I like the rhythm of the hexameter followed by pentameter, but then I wonder why you don't do that in the first couplet as well since it sets the meter for the rest of the poem? Also, I got 7 beats in the first line of the third couplet.
On Sense:
I enjoyed this quite a bit. It felt like a riddle. "We" are fish! I wonder if the title gives too little away? "Nocturama" means nothing to me, and even after repeated readings still adds nothing for me. It took me two reads to catch that we are fish in an aquarium. Once I got that and re-read it with that in mind the whole thing became delightful, though I still have lots of questions/comments on your intentions here.
S1L1: wouldn't the faces appear when day goes ON outside the glass?
S2: I like the cage of nothing, but the first line feels too prosaic a set up.
S3: I'm not sure why the fish would have any story to tell of fallenness (in the religious sense), though it seems to me that fish would wonder why we never float up. They would think us bottom-feeders. But I'm not sure they would think us "fallen".
S4: I like this one
S5: I'm not buying that fish could teach us love, but I'd buy it better if they would teach us to love to "dart & coil & hide inside the glass".
S6: "White days we've defied" -- I'm afraid I don't get that one.
S7: again we return to religious language with "sanctified", but I struggle to imagine the fish having a religious impulse
S8: not sure what is meant by "black work" ...
So happy to see the ghazal party continuing and hope any of the above was helpful. Overall, quite delightful!
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