Hi, Cameron—
I like this a lot, especially the ambiguity you develop about who is imprisoned and who is free.
In the 6th and 7th shers, the qaafiya and the radif are separated by quite a few words. Could you bring them closer with only a word or two (preposition, article, or possessive adjective) separating them?
Examples:
Sher 6: “like the white days we’ve slept through & defied the glass.”
Sher 7: “the life that they’ve been denied by [our] glass?”
I wonder if “deride” would be a good qaafiya to contrast with “sanctified.”
“Guide,” “implied,” “collide,” and “deified” also seem like promising possibilities.
Glenn
|