Hi Ralph, I think this version is much better.
I would suggest changing the comma at the end of your penultimate line into a colon.
You've got some variation in the meter which hiccups a bit to my ear, namely the extra syllable in L4, the missing syllable in L8, and the extra two in L6. I think most of those could be smoothed away quite easily with some minor adjustments to word choice.
Your meaning is much clearer in this version!
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