Thread: an autumn poem
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Unread 08-19-2024, 02:10 PM
Paula Fernandez Paula Fernandez is offline
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Location: Wilmette, IL
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Hi Christine--
I like this very much. The rhythm of it really sang for me. Several of the descriptions were so vivid. As a Chicagoan I can definitely feel "the wind a pressing hand against my back". Yes. Just so.

The one line that keeps catching me up is "no more alive than sand". Sand feels so completely arbitrary for something not alive, of course, and so this alerts you that it was chosen purely to complete the rhyme. Sorry I have no good suggestions to replace it, but maybe a period after "brown" in the previous line and an altogether different image to complete the stanza?

But, overall, quite lovely.
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