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Unread 09-27-2024, 10:49 AM
Mary Boren Mary Boren is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2024
Location: Texas
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Hi David. We haven't met, but I'll be watching with interest because I'm a sucker for a pun, er ... pin, so thanks for the chuckle. I have a feeling this one came off the top of your head, and that's the fun of it. I can see where other readers are coming from in wishing for further development of the scene so ably laid out in your opening stanza. If you're still on the fence as to whether it adds or detracts from the punchline, maybe let it roll around in the hopper and see if it wants to pop out in another setting, but for what it's worth the unexpected direction was part of the enjoyment for me. That, and the easy rhythm and unobtrusive (even if predictable) rhyming that gets out of the way and lets light verse cast its own spell. I had to backtrack to 212 after seeing that it was intended as two-one-two instead of two-twelve, but that's on me. If anything, I was a little disappointed in the weak pair (on/121) heading into the landing and, unless you're averse to contractions, agree that "we're in 121" would make more sense.
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