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Thanks Glenn and Matt. Major revision posted.
I’m still (still!) learning to give deeper artistic consideration to my writing and editing vs. spouting the first words that come out of my thoughts and onto the page.
Genn, I’m happy to hear you enjoyed it. Much of my poetry is rumination in the raw. Thinking out loud. Thinking out loud doesn’t often make for good poetry, but it does serve to empty my mind : )
Matt, Though I have never done much research on or even much reading of the haiku form, I’ve always found it to be refreshing in its dichotomy of simplicity and complexity. I’m pretty sure, though, that the Japanese authorities would confiscate my attempts at writing haiku if I were to attempt to enter their country with it in my bag — Ha!
Yes, I first learned of haiku as being 1.) bound by the 5-7-5 syllable count, and 2.) nature-related. When I was in grammar school the nuns had us writing strict 5-7-5 haiku as part of our English class lessons. In recent years the form seems to have been exploded to become pretty much anything that can be contained within three short-ish lines. The only real criteria seems to be that it must be phantasmagorical.
Your links are fantastic and I got lost in them for a time, learning more about the form in thirty minutes than I had known my whole lifetime. Thanks for that. Your crits are often tutorials for me.
I’ve combed back over the entire haibun, (I’m not even sure it is a haibun) using your comments as a spur, and have largely re-written both parts.
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