I think your latest revision is an improvement on the original, Jim, though I’m not at all fond of the first sentence of section 1. I think it's too wordy and might try to explain a little too much. It risks throwing readers out of the poem before they have a chance to appreciate what follows. And I see that you’ve mined some good images out of what you originally wrote. I would just write “a labrynth of lips” – but I like it. Also, “loose-lipped as old age” made me smile. The dried blood in the corners of the mouth I think is nice and “bouquet of thoughts” I like. Though I’d cut “Stem and flower” from the list.
I’d slightly adjust the ending of the first section: “I kissed it and threw it away. The rose.” I want to like “The rose” ending of section 1 more than I do. This making sure that the reader gets what you are referring to (the rose) is maybe my favorite thing about the poem. I absolutely love it. It’s terrific re voice, and can be so revealing when it comes to the speaker’s thoughts, frame of mind, and connect to possible themes of the poem as well. It’s wonderful. The problem is that, in that first section, I don’t think that there is any confusion about what the speaker is talking about. Maybe I’m missing something there, but, for me, it’s obvious that the speaker (N) is referring to the rose. This, however, does work well in the second section and in fact I’d be tempted to end on it (dropping “not the book”). I might be tempted to end both sections like that, if you could make the close of that first section work. I’m not terribly fond of the last three sentences of section 2—not quite fresh enough, and kiss a memory is rather intangibly blah. The rest of that section works very well, imo. I like it a lot.
I’m still thinking about section 3. I like “extinguishes itself,” and probably like the first half of it more than the second… Something like ‘sucking dry every drop from where it was cut…’ ?? I dunno. Like I said, I think I need more time with it… If I come up with anything that might be useful, I’ll come back. I enjoyed reading and thinking about this one, Jim.
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