Hi Paula—The opening sentence is a bit like a voice-over for a 1950s documentary on the Grand Canyon. But I’ve kind of grown to like the rather removed tone of it—it seems spookily fitting for the poem. It has a bit of suspense to it as well, as if, in my imagined documentary, the other shoe is about to drop and the narrator is going to warn us that it has become a hub for drug dealers selling weed under the viewing deck. But this is probably just me, haha.
I’m not too fond of the title, but I do like poem. I might just title this The Grand Canyon as I think that alone works well as a metaphor for what I believe this poem is about. What you have now is a little heavy-handed, imo. I love that you are using the types of cars in the parking lot, right next to other, to illustrate our differences. The canyons between us, so to speak.
The least effective haiku for me is the middle one. It’s not terrible, but it’s not very interesting either. Not sure how to improve that—maybe the too-bold children are near the ledge, or something that signals that they are children… ?? Anyway, the other two I think are pretty good, though I’m not sure that the first one, coming so soon, is set up enough there. Both with “rails” and “cage” and also it seems to be a more encompassing statement, something suited for the close of a poem. Though I suppose you could say the same about the eagle/vulture one that ends the poem now. One of the reasons I think that one is effective is because it is something people say or think when they look at such big birds hovering high up. Vultures are always a thought for me, anyway.
I think that “to cash out our ticket to grandeur” is, well, too grand a statement. It threw me out of the poem a little. The last nit I have is the last image before the closing haiku. I think the birds are the black slashes, not carving them. I too like “the yawning tent of the sky.”
I enjoyed the read, Paula, and though I think this needs a little more work, I think it has very good bones, is fairly close.
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